THE ANGER MATRIX

July 27, 2008

Genesis 4:2b-8, Proverbs 14:17, Ephesians 4:29-32

Key verse: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” (v. 31)

I recently read where a man in Wisconsin was so angered by his lawn-mower refusing to start that he hauled out his short-barrel shotgun and put a bullet into it. He figured that it put the lawn mower and him self out of misery. Instead, he was arrested for unlawful use of a firearm and disorderly conduct. He argued that he had a right to shoot his lawn mower if he wanted; it belonged to him.

Anger is the fuel for life. Without anger you nor I could function realistically in the world. We need a level of emotion that moves us to do things and save lives in the process- maybe our own and those closest to us.

It’s okay to get angry over the unrighteousness we see in our world. However, if we allow anger to burn deep within us, it may cause us to do things that are regrettable.

In recent news, we have seen the deaths of people because of anger over circumstances that went beyond what should be lawful or ethical. Murder is not the answer a problem that stirs up anger.

This morning I want to try and help us differentiate anger. It may seem a bit confusing but yet I hope that by slicing this anger into some compartments you will be helped in dealing with anger issues in your own life.

There are four faces of anger by Dr. Mark Gorkin that I want to use as our backdrop to helping you get off the road of rage and getting on to the path of peace. Dr. Gorkin is a psychologist who specializes with anger management issues and has worked with the U.S. Postal Service on this topic. He portrays anger with a matrix that outlines four key areas that of which anger displays itself.

Remember from last week that anger is not the problem. The problem is how we handle anger and what that does to those especially close to us. It is so frustrating to see young families and old families become torn apart by anger issues. In his book God’s Healing for Hurting Families, Dr. David Thompson shares the anger issues at stake in his family- a pastor’s home, of all things, and the healing that God can bring to our homes. He says that “giving your anger to God involves healing for damaged emotions.” What a loaded statement to think about.

Anger expressed is far too often anger that has been boiling and composting for years under the surface. God desires for us to use this emotion in the right way and for the right purposes. But before we get into that (next week) let’s consider the Anger Matrix and see what anger looks like.

1. Defining the Terminology.

a. Purposeful: Intentional anger and with a significant degree of consideration, calculation and self-control.

b. Spontaneous: Spur-of-the-moment outburst of anger that has very little pre-meditation or planning. There is a little moderate self-control.

c. Constructive: Anger expression with integrity and boundaries. This is when anger expressions affirms and acknowledges one’s integrity and boundary without intending to threaten or violate another person’s integrity or boundary.

d. Destructive: Anger expression lacking integrity or respect. This is when the anger expression intends to protect one’s self-interest by threatening or violating another person’s integrity and boundary. This kind of anger may be intentional or non-intentional.

2. Distinguishing the Anger.
We are going to show you four skits of the same situation that will help us define the differences of how anger is handled. We have the father whose son has arrived home later than the 11pm curfew with the family car. This son has neglected to call ahead to inform nor has he a good reason for being late.

a. ASSERTION: Purposeful and Constructive.

In this scenario, the father acknowledges immediately his own feelings by saying, “I’m angry.” He then goes on to clarify his own emotions, expectations and future limits. When he says, “I want to talk with you” he’s expressing the need for them to interact to solve the problem together.

b. HOSTILITY: Purposeful and Destructive. (Cain and Abel- Genesis 4:2b-8)

The second scenario shows an irrational hostility. What we have seen shows not only of still being in control, but this time includes a level of hostility that seems a bit over the top. The child is told that he is irresponsible (true or not), that he “made me sick with worry” (probably) and his trustworthiness is questioned. When these kinds of statements are made they cut to the heart of the other person and takes down their own self-esteem. Comments such as these and in the same tenor can make a child, spouse or acquaintance feel worthless and even take on the characteristics of which they are told they are.

This kind of anger is referred to by Thompson as “passive aggressive” anger. This kind of anger is veiled under a certain level of thoughtfulness. People who don’t suddenly lose their cool are considered are more socially acceptable. This “Godfather” type of anger is then express through the wife not doing certain things to get back at her husband or the husband doing things to get back at the wife but all with a veneer of smile and cheeriness. Anger is anger whether it’s a blow-up or grimaced smile.

c. PASSION: Spontaneous and Constructive.

This time the father reacts with passion. The son answers. The difference is that the father has a sense of self-integrity and healthy respect for his son’s boundaries. On the spontaneous side the father expresses his feelings and so is the son. On the constructive side the father indicates that a meeting will ensue the next day when cooler heads are more likely to prevail.

This approach is critical to most of us here. Most people I would argue tend to express themselves more spontaneously when confronted with a problem. This approach is critical, especially if you have 1) reservations about turning the confrontation into a win-lose or right-wrong battle; 2) you hope not to damage the relationship; 3) you desire for both of you to learn something from the situation.

This means that a healthy respect for each other needs to be in place to protect the relationship. It’s okay to express your hurt and frustration. It is also okay for the other person to express their excuse. Sometimes one or both need some separation or even some sleep to better deal with the problem or disagreement.

d. RAGE: Spontaneous and Destructive.

This time the father responds with outright rage at his son. His explosion includes name-calling, strong words (maybe even swearing if you aren’t in church) and threats that include doing bodily harm. This is a bullying tactic intended to bring down the son. The son has no way or opportunity to respond and even if he did, the father would not hear or listen. Whether this father is projecting his own sense of helplessness, fear or control is not the issue. The problem is that great harm is being done to the relationship. Worst, this may signal the beginning of the end for this father and his son.

These scenarios are by no means the only ones but certainly communicate to us the potential problems that anger can cause.

So what can we do as Christians to deal with anger issues? What if you have already given the devil a foothold with your anger? Let me give us some ideas that hopefully will disarm the evil one’s hold in our lives.

3. Disarming the Devil.

A lot of times we think of alcoholism as a major problem for families as well as drug use and the like. However, perhaps more debilitating that this is anger. When anger takes hold of a home, everyone is affected and hurt. The pain goes deep and cuts out the heart of child while he or she is young.

There are three aspects to deactivating the wrong anger and activating the right anger.

a. Establish a New Purpose for Life.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (v. 29)

What should come out of your mouth when you speak? When Paul speaks of “talk” that comes out of your mouth, this is not an exhaustive statement about angry words but includes any communication of sinful anger. Remember the little Sunday School diddy? "Be careful little mouth what you say... There's a Father up above, looking down to you in love, so be careful little mouth what you say."

b. Experience the Spirit Power for Living.

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit.” (v. 30) These words should signal the end of the sinful life for the Christian. And if you are prone to anger problems then you need to understand that there is a power of the Holy Spirit that not only changes your heart but changes your actions. What grieves the Holy Spirit is when we use the flesh to try and achieve what we need in the Spirit. This grieves the very heart of God.

You need to experience a fresh wind and fresh fire of the Holy Spirit in your life. To pray on one hand and then to live a life of rage on the other is unbiblical and wrong. In fact, I would conjecture that it is nearly impossible to pray in the Spirit and be filled with anger at the same time. “Be not drunk with wine (or anger) but filled with the Holy Spirit.”

c. Express a Biblical Process for Feelings.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.” (v. 32)

Sometimes we just don’t know how to express day to day the right way of doing things- especially when it comes to anger problems. Let me now give you some practical tips for processing your feelings without allowing it to handicap your marriage or relationships with other people.

 No name calling. Words may not break my bones but they do cut to the soul. Name calling hurts people.

 Don’t be a “last word” freak. Learn to just walk away. You don't always need the last word. Escalation happens when people have to have the last word.

 Respect the integrity of others. Each person has boundaries and we need to respect those boundaries. We need to regard the dignity of every human person we encounter regardless of who they are or what they represent.

 Get rid of sinful anger. Give your anger to God. Don't say: "I'm not going to get angry again." Instead, say: "When I do get angry I'm going to give that anger to God."

 Live a life of love. Perhaps the greatest advice I can give you is to take time and read 1 Corinthians 13. This chapter gives us a great guideline on loving others and not putting ourselves on anger's edge.


CONCLUSION.

In the end of things, we have to give our anger to God. And this is what I want to do in these closing moments of prayer.